Anti-smoking legislation

The Daily Mash has the details of the next piece of Labour government legislation:

"SMOKERS BANNED FROM LOOKING AT CIGARETTES WHILE SMOKING - SMOKERS will have to hold a large piece of card over their face so they cannot look at the cigarette they are smoking, ministers said last night.

The 'smoking mask' will include a small mouth hole and a handle, though later models may be fitted with elasticated straps.

From next April, if smokers want to buy cigarettes they will have to uncover them during a day-long treasure hunt using a series of very difficult clues.

Under the new regulations the smokers will then have to store their cigarettes inside a large cereal box, which may or may not contain a cobra.

When they want to smoke they must position the cereal box on a table, strap on their smoking mask and then fumble around inside the box in the hope of finding a cigarette and not a large, venomous snake.

The mask will also carry a warning which reads: "Lighting a Cigarette While Wearing This Mask May Cause You to Set Fire to the Mask Instead of the Cigarette and Burn Your Face Off."

Health secretary, Alan Johnson, said: "If you can't see nicotine, it can't see you. And, as any scientist will tell you, if something can't see you, it has no way of knowing you exist.""

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