"Here we have a spanking new, gleaming Bribo laptop, complete with instruction sheet showing you where to place your X when the time comes.
The government has declared that it will soon issue 270,000 of these Bribos to their core voters so that they may keep up with their children's school progress on the internet, rather than get up off their sofas and walk down to the parent-teacher meetings and ask. In order to exchange them for tax-free CASH, (to allow access to the things that REALLY matter), the inevitable result will be thousands of Bribos listed on eBay shortly after issue, so I am taking this opportunity to list mine now, before the rush.
Bribo is the latest offering in the "class war" series and will be issued exclusively to "low income" families, (i.e. not much money BEFORE benefits are freely distributed to you), so here is a great opportunity for middle-class, rich buyers, (i.e.anyone with initiative or a bit of cash after having paid swingeing tax and NI and not central within Labour's core vote buyers), to get one as well. Yes, yes, we know that you've already paid for these Bribos out of your hard-earned, heavily-taxed income, but that's not the point - after all, who doesn't want the warm glow of satisfaction that comes from paying for a Bribo, ensuring that the money gets to where it's needed - into the pockets of "low income" families, just in time for the general election.
With the Bribo's browser set to the Labour party home page, this machine is ready to go from the box. Full filters and software included to protect the user from harmful on-line experiences, including landing on any page that we consider to be contrary to Labour party targets and anything that doesn't toe the party line. Any deviation of use from the true purpose of the Bribo will be met with an "off-message".
If you've been happy to let the state control your life for the last twelve years and currently have trouble living without nannying, this is the machine for you.
This whole listing is costing us £300 million, (yes, a great value £1111 per Bribo laptop[*], and about £288 million more than was spent nationally on salt for roads this year but, hey, what's the priority here - getting ever-fewer people to work or getting these Bribos to the people who really matter?), but this listing starts at 99p, no reserve start - possible only because we managed to keep it "off book" through the machinations of a very expensive, very badly negotiated PFI deal.
IMPORTANT NOTE - Terms of this auction:
1) In addition to winner paying final price and postage, a promise has to be made in writing that the winner, (and family), will use their postal vote for Labour at the forthcoming general election. Failure to adhere to this condition will render the listing null and void. (Please refer to the included instruction sheet for guidance on how to comply.)
2) This Bribo laptop is an aspiration, not a pledge. We aspire to send it to you, but if you win it, you may not receive it. Stocks are limited and there's currently a rush to get them to as many "low income" families as possible before the next election is announced. In the case that we are unable to adhere to this aspiration, any moneys that you have paid will not be returned, they will be hosed over poor families or bankers.
3) The first edition Bribo is initially available ONLY to addresses in marginal Labour constituencies where the election result is looking a bit dodgy. If you don't live in such a constituency, then you'll have to wait for the toughened, hard-shell, 2nd version which would be issued to more "low income" families when it appears that things really are getting bad. And we'll just keep dishing out Bribos further and further up the food chain until we see the swing that we deserve.
4) By buying the Bribo, you agree to pay the government an extra 50p a month on your phone bill, ostensibly to allow private telecoms companies to upgrade their infrastructure without recourse to their shareholders and dreadful bankers, but really it's another unavoidable stealth tax, to transfer more money from your pocket to ours.
5) We reserve the right to change policy at any time, especially if polls show us to be pulling well ahead before the next election.
If you're not happy with these terms, please do not bid.
Postage terms:
1) The winning bidder is liable to pay ALL taxes and stealth taxes applicable to their residency - at least 50p in the £, although cash-back on taxes will be made available to "low income" families in the form of a non-means-tested benefit cheque.
2) Where our aspiration can be realised, the Bribo will be despatched in a brown envelope.
For more information on the Bribo, please go to:
http://dailyreferendum.blogspot.com/2010/01/first-look-labours-new-free-laptop.html
[*] = If you're a taxpayer who is more concerned about value for money than we are, you cannot bid on this item - it's not for you. However ... the same model under a different branding can be bought at PC World for just £179. The price quoted to us by the preferred supplier was the "John Lewis list" price, which we are more used to dealing with and which we always use as the benchmark when we negotiate such complex PFI deals."
Satire of the highest order... I think from Steve Green of Daily Referendum.
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