'The focus of union anger is a new machine, dubbed the AbrexipanSta, which it's claimed can automatically carry out the work of up to 100 BBC journalists. The AbrexipanSta (automated brexit panic station) can sift through dozens of daily events and instantly create a worrisome narrative that will furrow brows at a 100 metres. In the wake of the referendum, when a majority of voters defied the wishes of the BBC, mandarins have demanded that the Ruling News Service steps up its production of 'black cloud' stories. However, the understaffed BBC is being forced to find new ways to ramp up production through automation.'
'THE BBC is struggling to find contestants for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing because Ed Balls is in it.The corporation admitted it may be forced to use people who have the same names as celebrities and who can also stand to be in the same room as the bum-faced former Labour MP.Huw Edwards, the BBC newsreader and inevitable Strictly contestant, said: "I'll wait for the next series. I don't even want to pretend to like Ed Balls."Tennis hero Tim Henman revealed he turned down the offer, adding: "It seems like a rather pathetic attempt by Ed Balls to reinvent himself and I cannot be involved in that in any way."Actress Penelope Keith, who also turned down the BBC, said: "It would be really awkward when Ed Balls finishes his routine and he and his partner join all the other contestants, but none of them are applauding him."It would just be a bunch of people glaring at him as if to say, 'Why are you ruining this for everyone? Why don't you just sod off?'"'
"If all the other papers are taken and there's only the Guardian left, I will just look at the tablecloth."
'In a major development that should silence critics of Islam who have been blaming it for terrorism, UNESCO has declared that Islam is the most peaceful religion of the world.The United Nations body released a statement earlier today that revealed that UNESCO had partnered with International Peace Foundation six months back to study all religions of the world and find out which was most peaceful amongst all."After six months of rigorous study and analysis, we have concluded that Islam is the most peaceful religion," Robert McGee, head of comparative studies wing of International Peace Foundation declared in a press conference that was attended by UNESCO officials too.'
'Looking to raise awareness and concern over the flood of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip for the past decade, Israel has decided to place gorillas throughout the communities and neighboring towns surrounding Gaza."For years we've highlighted the deaths of innocent men, women, and children from these rockets, but people throughout Europe and on college campuses in the U.S. continued to support Hamas," a spokesman for the Israeli government told The Mideast Beast. "After seeing the outpouring of anger over the death of Harambe the gorilla, we realized we've been doing it all wrong."Israel will now place a handful of gorillas in Ashdod, Ashkelon, Sderot and other communities in the south that have seen a high number of rocket attacks. While Hamas publicly insists the move won't change its military approach, some Hamas commanders expressed concern in private conversations.'
'JEREMY Corbyn has apologised after the shadow chancellor quoted Mao in the Commons yesterday, clarifying that he always preferred Pol Pot.The Labour leader said that John McDonnell had unfortunately missed key policy sessions where it was agreed that Mao was a capitalist running dog whose Great Leap Forward was far too easy on the peasants.Corbyn continued: "I always thought Mao was a bit of a poser, you know? '
'The Hague, Netherlands, October 7 - The International Criminal Court formalized today what many analysts have long assumed to be accepted International Law, ruling that the stabbing of Jews is a legitimate and legal act when undertaken to express political, social, economic, philosophical, religious, ethnic, or personal grievances.'
'Bill McKay, who has spent half of the last six weeks pretending to be so bad at football that a five-year-old can beat him, said: "Freedom tastes so sweet. I'm going to the pub at half-four. After that, who knows?"'
