The top 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2012

• 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

• 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

• 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

• 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

• 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

• 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

• 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

• 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

• 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

• 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Jokes

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."


In my opinion:
1) So, so
2) Very good but Tim Vine is brilliant, best line
3) better than 1) but that's about it
4) better than 1) but that's about it
5) Fairly funny
6) So, so
7) Quite clever, maybe second best line
8) Fairly funny but sounds familiar
9) Fairly funny but sounds familiar
10) I am sure I've heard that one before as well

Were there really no funnier lines at this year's Fringe?

Tim Vine is a winner

Despite having a brother (Jeremy) who works at the BBC, I am pleased to report that Tim Vine has won the prestigious 'Dave' channel's Best Joke of the Edinburgh Fringe. The winning joke was this

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Quite good but the funniest?

The rest of the top 10 best jokes were (my comments in italics):

2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): ''I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.'' - Clever, I think better than Tim Vine's, probably a bit anti-PC though

3. Emo Philips: ''I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.'' - Typical Emo Philips, a good one

4. Jack Whitehall: ''I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.'' - Very old gag

5. Gary Delaney: ''As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.'' - Like it

6. John Bishop: ''Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.'' - Topical but not that funny

7. Bo Burnham: ''What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.'' - Sick but amusing

8. Gary Delaney: ''Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.'' - Very good, my favourite of the top 10

9. Robert White: ''For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.'' - Not any more she has had a gastric band fitted - Sorry for that display of Vanessa Feltz knowledge

10. Gareth Richards: ''Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.'' - I am sure I heard a variant of this a while back on TV


Meanwhile the judges also nominated the worst Jokes at the Fringe and included:

Sara Pascoe: ''Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.'' - Dreadful

Sean Hughes: ''You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?'' - Even worse

Gyles Brandreth: ''I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point isn't it?'' - I quite like this one, but then I like Gyles Brandreth

Doc Brown: ''I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.'' - Not terrible

John Luke Roberts: ''I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.'' - Poor

Sarah Millican: ''I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.'' - Hmmm

Bec Hill: ''Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs.'' - Quite good, albeit a bit whiskery

Dan Antopolski: ''How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.'' - As old as me

Andi Osho: ''Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?'' - This is funny, come on isn't it?

Gareth Richards: ''My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.'' - Very old

Emo Phillips: ''I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.'' - This should be in top 10, although logically shouldn't some of the bald me be riding horses etc. etc. etc.

Is Tim Vine the new Tommy Cooper?

Possibly...


Here's some Tim Vine puns...