Tuesday, 21 July 2009

The future of "going down the pub"

Banned has a piece of "satire" that I fear may be too close to the truth: "I went to my old pub, now restyled the Community Cohesion Center or CCC4U in that snappy Nu Labour way, it used to be 'The Railway Tavern' but now it is 'The Gordon Brown'. That's its pub ( sorry ) CCC4U sign up there ^ flapping in the wind.

On my way in I signed the register and declared that I had read and understood " For The Purposes Of The Act " the various notices and warnings in the lobby.
Banning of gambling or gaming ( incl 'small monies'), banning of music ( whether electronic, recorded or sung ) as Un-Islamic; the mug-shots of 1,538 local Alcohol Restriction Order Violators, that members of HM Forces were unwelcome, that I agreed to CCTV images being recorded of me and my Anti-Social Behaviour, that I had read and understood the Health And Safety Issues surrounding ordering alcoholic beverages in a Public Place, that I was reassured by the Foundation Certificate In Basic Food Hygiene that the chef had attained even though I did not fancy the Tofu Burger on offer; that I, as a responsible Adult of NOT LESS than 21 years of age, undertook NOT to supply alcohol to third parties ( sinisterly known as " buying a round " ), that I had NOT arrived at the CCC4U "The Gordon Brown" by car or motorcycle, that I had NOT had a previous alcohol experience in the past 48 hours, that I was NOT responsible for the welfare of ANY CHILD AND/OR ANIMAL upon my return home and that I understood that NO Ungovernmental conversation would be tolerated.

Once past the Customer Service Guarantors I purchased my alloted 2.8 units of alcohol ( to be consumed in NOT less than two hours) and rang the bell to enter the 'Alcohol Abuse Closet' which is where you go in case any Teetotal Non-smoking Vegans ( " Preferred Patrons " ) are offended by our behaviour. Luckily none were there today so I quaffed my pint of Guinness and half a bitter shandy in peace and enjoyed some much needed, if cramped, Social Inclusion with my peers but the mood was broken when the PCSO arrived to check the register against our voluntary ID cards...

No comments: